the scene of damage, in the mind and on my car!

Wednesday, September 1. 2010. I am in houston so i thought to go see one of the fastest growing most happening church functions around. Big dog Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church. i was going to post pictures... but i just now accidentally deleted every houston picture i've taken up til this point, including all my mega-church pics. oh well. moving right along.
The scene is that this place is mega huge. It's in the Compaq Center formerly known as the summit where several houston teams used to play including the Houston Rockets. I didn't know this. i just looked it up.

The parking is main event parking in fancy car garages layered on top of each other made of bunches of steel and concrete. now, u know how before you go into a fast food drive thru, there is the clearance sign telling your vehicle clearance so ur vehicle doesn't get damaged? Well, I didn't see that sign going into the parking garage and i happened to have my bike on the roof of my car, which i haven't had on my car roof since i've been in Houston.. I forgot. So.....The scenario is as follows: I drove into the clearance sign and ripped off my roof rack and busted up my bike all the while there is like 30 cars trying to get into Lakewood Church right behind me on the access road.
That's the scenario. Well, good thing that right before i drove in too far, the church cop yelled at me and said....YOU'RE TOO TALL... "What?" i thought to myself as i came to a halt....and then i got really excited when i figured out what he was talking about and was super happy that he was there otherwise the scenario would've been real. i hope i didn't frighten u.
so he kindly stopped all traffic and let me back out in reverse from the one lane entrance. yessss! so i went to the next entrance where i couldn't even see if it was the same kind of clearance. So i drove right thru as this Church cop waved me on.....so i yelled at him...do i have clearance and pointed to the bike on the roof... and then he said,..."WAIT, no you don't !!!!   ha! i'm glad he had this post and not the first post! This is a lame story. But anyway, i had room to pull off to the side there and take the bike off the roof and stick it in the family room of my family wagon.

Long notes for nothingness!
anyhow. Joel's church was crazy huge. I wish i had pictures. There was passion and shouting and singing and loud music and lights. It was very aesthetically pleasing to the eye and i imagine fascinating to someone new to the concept of a loving god.

Anyhow. i don't have much to share about the message or any spiritual insight that i have other than me wondering why soooooOOOO many people like this church? is it cuz they tickle ears there? is it cuz they don't talk about sin and people love their sin so that is why they go? who knows? Speculation with preconceived notions fueling them is not what i'm after. I'm just thinking out loud here.

But this is what i noticed. Lots of these people hurt like most people in the world. At some time or another someone is feeling pain or grief, or doubts or some sort of sorrows. Joels mom went up and shared some verses speaking about happiness and strength in God and joy and diligence. I thought to myself that people are not comfortable talking openly about the issues of sadness or depression...or loneliness or wrong behaviors. They don't speak much about it on tv, at work with peers nor in most public places...these are private taboo matters to most of the world. Pain! Lots of people do not have the freedom to express such hurt inside the soul. So when there is a group, the church, that speaks soooo freely and openly about it, this is foreign to a wounded heart and soul yet it is very appealing because for the most part, they haven't heard any other options given them to resolve life issues such as depression, fear, anxiety, and sadness. The church is out there and prevalent on TV, radio, internet and many church buildings everywhere offering hope to the hurting. They are doing a great thing.

My thought is that there ARE other options to resolve life's issues. basic things. Simple things. A little bit of honest discussion and openness, for one, helps people heal and think of different perspectives on their situation. But other options are not too well known (at least in my experience). as an 18-19 year old depressed kid, who do i talk to about my suicidal thoughts? about my loneliness? WHOOO?? many do not have a strong family support system where honesty and openness are common. Many do not have even have friends they can speak on these issues with either.

I recognized this in previous months: I did NOT come to Jesus cuz i recognized that I was a sinner in need of a savior.. I came to Jesus because i was freaking lonely, depressed and hurting on the inside. I didn't have many friends, i was a social outcast. i am an only child with a single mother, communication was not a common thing for me to do. I spent most of my time alone living in my fearful thoughts. So when i met some folks who had a strong family, really loving, really nice, really amazing..i fell in love, not with jesus, but with the notion that happiness was possible. I associated their happiness with the Jesus they spoke so publicly often about. But i didn't need jesus, i needed friends. and i found friends. people that liked me and were nice to me. i believed it was jesus that i needed cuz they told me He was the one who gave them peace and happiness. and well....i haven't heard of any other options to reach the hurt in my heart! JESUS BECAME MY COMPADRE. my Lord, my king, my everything. I went the whole way. All out radical.. i think. I'll let others testify of that for me. no need for me to try. Some people already initially assume i wasn't saved in the first place. who knows. it doesn't change anything.

anyhow.. long post thingy again...let me come to a close.

I'm in the same situation i was in when i was a lost confused youth. kinda, not completely. I've never dealt with my insecurities which were the problem in the first place... well, i can't pinpoint exactly what the real issue is, but it's not that i'm a wicked sinner and will burn if i don't repent and accept Jesus. I think the issue stems back to fatherlessness maybe and lack of social skills. That's a killer. I think humans need humans to be close to  but i really don't know. I've just realized that Jesus became a bandaid that concealed all my wounds. nothing actually got healed because i got too busy doing church things to even notice i still needed some attention in my heart and soul. Nothing was actually healed. In fact, as a Christian i got to the point where i was convinced i was healed and told everyone i was. Then i got so immersed in it that i remember being taught by a former pastor that we, as leaders, can not show weakness. people need to see us strong because they need to know it's possible to be strong i guess. It got to the point where i didn't want to admit any weaknesses as a Christian. This was very unhealthy for me. Fake. Phoney. i'm weak. I've been weak. And i find it's better to search out the solution than to expect to get it from god. God has given us everything we need already as humans.

Anyhow. Coming to Jesus because of hurt on the inside is obviously my experience. Not all people have the same experiences. some people come out of fear for hell or who knows what else. But this was my observation at Joels.

good day. ufda!
adamo.