Sunday Sundays. they never fail me.

I really freakin' love Sundays. They are more faithful than Jesus at showing up with some sort of pleasant thoughts of peace and perspective. It consistently happens on sundays for me.
I started off the day with a nice message from at a local houston church. good words on Toleration. and then on Fear. Fear drives me a lot on a lot of my day to day decisions and actions. it either paralyzes me from doing something i want to do....or it makes me do something i despise to do. My fears are best kept inside my mind for now.

a picture i was taking.

the guy i speak of in the paragraph to the right.

Then i went the local river/strip of chillaxation in the woodlands where i am staying. i was taking several pictures when some guy started taking pictures next me. we got to talking. i was absolutely totally encouraged by this guy. He was on his first day of his trip to experience and enjoy life. "Theres so many people who think it's about.....stuff" he said. he wants to enjoy life. participate in life. anyhow. he was very well versed in many things.. it sounded like he's a writer, engineer and a musician from our short dialog. He was also quoting people like jack carawak and referenced people like hemingway and all these other people whom i've never read or even heard of. smart guy. I'm not much of a reader. But it amazes me how people can understand and quote other peoples poetic writings.. Even my friend derek quotes movies like no other. My recall part of my brain really sucks. anyhow. This guy encouraged me on my trip ..and i really dug our short convo. he even did what i'm doing (cross country road trip) last year.  =) good day to me. inspirational.
Then we (kat derek and olive) went swimming and it kicked my butt!
anyhow.. That's today!

I was asked today what i would think about a particular something if i was my old christian self again. Putting myself back in how i would think is appalling to me. I immediately take out my brain and no longer think for myself, and i start making decisions based on the bible. I start critiquing. I start comparing things to what the bible says. "what does the bible say about it?" I start wanting to tell people what they need to be doing in life based on Jesus' example and other scripture references.. I can not be a christian because i cannot separate from myself a mind set of legalism. The to-do list. The how-to-be list. The what-not-to-do list. The how-to-think list. I was a legalist. A fundamentalist. I don't like that. I don't like the standard for life given to me in the bible.  it's too narrow. too exclusive. Too unclear. Too easily used as a proof text weapon...that is to say that anyone can take any scripture in any book in the bible and use it to their advantage to prove a point. Hence pretty much 10 different people have 8 or 9 different opinions about who jesus is and how he relates to them. I introduced my neighbor Neil to TBN one day when we were hanging out. His dad was recently murdered (Bastards!! they still haven't caught the folks who did it) and he has recently been going in to the faith as I myself am leaving. But he was intrigued by Jesse Duplantis, a silly televangelist who uses the bible to show that God wants you healthy, wealthy and wise...at least, that what it looks like by all appearances...i don't really know.. But he was tripping out watching these guys on TBN and seeing how they manipulate (at least in both of our opinions) the scriptures and how sooo many people are eating it up. He coudn't turn off the TV.
now i'm fine with that and whatever else people want to do with all the bible stuff. cuz .....well, it has no bearing on me whatsoever. before, i wanted to be biblically accurate. i wanted to hold to sound doctrine. I wanted to "study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth". 2tim somewhere.
So i'm free from that now. i know every Christian isn't like that. i know some pretty amazing christians. But i was like that.... and i'm washing my hands from that behavior. Since my little journey has started, I've had to apologize to at least 3 different people for my legalistic behavior and attitudes in the past that i know have caused offense! how dumb!
i'm learning. We all are.
Adamo.
p.s. sorry. these blogs are really easy to make really long. oh well. it will be fun to go back to them in the future to see what was going on in my ever changing thoughts.
Here is a painting that Derek, Kat and myself did last night.

for a friend...

A friend of mine suggested that i take a bible with me and read some of it on my trip. This is one thing i specifically was planning on not doing =). Nevertheless...at his friendly plea, i heeded his suggestion and brought a small new testament. i don't recall his simple stipulation exactly, but it didn't sound burdensome so i thought i'd go ahead and do it... ...might as well since i am searching and all. i think he mentioned something like picking a small book and just read it here and there.
Anyhow, today is the first time i have read my bible at all (apart from looking up random verses here and there) in well over a year. a good hearty year.. even up to a year and a few months. i don't know.
but it was burdensome. it was long (Phillipians, one of the shortest). i was disinterested in reading what paul wrote to the philippians.nit just doesn't appeal to me anymore. at least at this time. Paul is a neat guy and he said a lot of neat things, but it's not what i want to follow after as of this friday august 27. i thought paul said some things which are good to hold on to, but they are not only biblical or christian ideas, ie humility, gentleness, good thinking in life...
i think some people think that if i just read through a book in the bible, God will speak to me. maybe I need to be in a receptive mode. maybe i need the holy spirit to hear him. maybe when i'm ready, then God will speak to me. i don't know what it takes to hear from God. Well, i have some ideas....

A little background.

What began this whole little deal i'm going thru? And if i'm not a christian or believe in Christianity, what do i believe? good questions. i'll try to make this briefs. like underwear....short and light.

Back in march of 09, one little doubt (or thought rather) came to my mind. i don't know exactly where it came from other than it's something i might have thought that made sense and for some reason i felt free to explore this one .... i shared the thought with some people....but it was short lived.  the thought was something like: how do we actually know when God answers a prayer. like is it even possible for us to know that it was actually him? well. i know that doesn't sound too bad or too hard...but it's a good question. 
this doubt didn't last too long, but it was the beginning of this whole little journey.
Secondly, not long after that, a friend of mine said to me "i miss the old Adam." he was referring to this young animated crazy fool who loved Jesus with all his heart and never did anything but encourage people. i wasn't like that anymore. i was all growed up. I was more mature in my faith. anyway. i wasn't happy anymore. i recognized that. i was a slightly bitter guy on the inside which no one would ever know. I wasn't that same old guy anymore for sure. when my friend asked me this question, i wanted to stop and figure out what happened to me. I still loved Jesus. I still sought him in the bible. i still prayed often. but why was i not happy in my life? my friend saw that...and it was nice to recognize. cuz something needed to change. i just didn't know what it was yet.
lastly. at the little chaotic church gathering i was attending, there was another person who loved jesus with all their heart. But this particular individual was a reeeaalllly divisive person. Very critical. Very bitter. because of this, this person was very isolated and lonely (in my opinion). but a very nice person at times. anyhow...i saw myself in this person. not that extreme, but i noticed how i was the same way on a smaller scale... and i didn't want to become more like that though i was on that trail.
i want to be happy. i wasn't happy. something must be done about this.
What i did: i stepped back from my routine of life and observed what i was doing. thought about it. found what didn't make sense. cut it out. voila.

my conclusions from stepping back.

My expectations were too high of god. i thought god intervened himself more with us...i held on to this notion that he was involved in our lives more than he actually is,...at least in my life. but i don't think god is.
so what it boils down to is that there's too many things in the bible that just don't jive with me. silly. nasty. inhumane things that god caused and did. prayer doesn't make much sense. the lack of unity in understanding the scriptures, i don't think is attributed to foolish men and their lack of knowledge, but God's lack of clarity in the bible. God did a bad job at setting up his church and revealing himself to man. otherwise there would be more consensus wouldn't you think. this part of "faith" was driving me insane. it was the holding onto of concepts so dogmatically when there was absolutely no way of knowing if it is the right way or not. and then seeing first hand the church be so divisive about this junko.
I read this the other day in Thomas Paines book "The Age of Reason" and it sums up this idea.

"It has been the practice of all Christian commentators on the Bible, and of all Christian priests and preachers, to impose the bible on the world as a mass of truth and as the word of god; they have disputed and wrangled, and anathematized each other about the supposed meaning of partcular parts and passages therein; one has said and insisted that such a passage meant such a thing; another that it meant directly the contrary; and a third, that it meant neither one nor the other, but something different from both; and this they call understanding the Bible." 
This sums up the thoughts i've been having on that matter for the past year or so. i'm not a divisive person by my nature and to put myself in such a dogmatic stance on something so clearly undefined is not something i need to be doing.

most of my thoughts about god i make up now. they are my thoughts. What do i think God would do in situations based on my understanding and reasoning rather than base all my ideas on a revelation given to someone else that is the root of soooo much strangeness. my thinking lines up with Deism mostly. But whatever....every deist has his own opinions about God and understands that they can't be too dogmatic about it, due to lack of evidence. I do believe in the Design to all of this amazingness we behold. i get to take my life experiences and figure out things about god and how hesheit might be. This leaves no incongruity between my life experience and what i believe....unlike believing the bible.

Sooooo.. (damn this is long..bleh) what it takes to hear from God is .....who knows. I'm not going to wait around and listen for something that i can't even be sure of that it is god in the first place. so i'll just do what i think the designer of this whole thing would have me do.. Figure it out! Live! Explore! Think! Enjoy life with all it's uncertainties and misfortunes and learn from all of it. Just dont' attribute the good things to god and the bad things to the devil. =)

Fin!  sorry. i wonder if anyone will ever read this stuff ever!
more to come.

I'm not the smartest guy around...but i like having my own opinions now. =)

short sojourns in the houston.

So my trip isn't exactly the action adventure i've made it out to be yet...and i stress "yet". =) my first stop was, and still is houston to visit some good friends, derek and kat. i'm pretty much living in luxury with their kindness at least til this friday. After that, it might be the case that i actually stay here for another week to learn some type of photoediting to help out kat, who is a bomb photographer btw. Her and her honey are a mighty duo. we shall see. don't think i'd be much help, but i would love learn some editing stuff seeing that i did purchase my highly coveted D-SLR Canon T1i bombalistic camera. mmmmmm i say. mmmmm i say again.
anyhow. i have a lot of thoughts to put down. But i need to hash through them.

I feel as though i want to write stuff...but i'm not allowing myself to.

I am a real insecure human. thinking too much about what others think about me. lame-o. but this will shortly pass.

short update. more to come.
remember the Adamo.

anxious.

So i'm willing to admit i'm a bit scared. indeed... fearful. =l i think to myself, "Self, what are you doing? living out of your car? seriously Adam!"
Where the hell am i going to be sleeping at night? i've thought all this stuff out. I've lived out of my car before in San Antonio for the sole purpose of getting out of debt. check-that mission was accomplished. It was quite an experience and fantastic friends helped me out along the way. But that's different. That's one city. my city. my familiar territory. I found a few places that were safe to sleep at and bounced around and rotated my familiar safe places to throughout the week. What i am doing now is more than likely going to be a different town every night! That puts a spin on stuff. not only that, but i'm going to have a bike on my roof (locked of course). possible eye candy for your local late night thief. But gosh...all these things are going thru my head tonight, the night before i head out. should i pack a gun? mace? i think mace sounds good. i think walmart parking lots will become a hang out for me these upcoming days.
fear is inspired by something!  i'm sure this is a healthy fear in most peoples eyes. but i'm not too sure.
I'll be the first to admit when i find this trip to be a failure. But for now, these things don't stop me. I'll just see how it goes and enjoy this ride as long as i can. i'm going to experience something....whatever it might be. and i'm going to see things, beautiful things. And i'm pretty sure i'm going to meet people that inspire me. I'm pretty sure i'm going to learn something about me. I'm pretty sure i'm going to learn something about life....and risk...and fear...and love... and friendship... and god..and money....and subarus...and contentment....and sadness and happiness. maybe. =) maybe i'm a little too optimistic. but.....i'd rather be inspired unto something other than fear.
remember the Adamo. I-10 East in approximately 12 hours!

so the drama of wallet displacement.

Today is friday. I leave Sunday.
This past monday and Tuesday I took some of the coolest kids out to Garner State Park. They'd never been camping. I'm not much of a woodsy guy, but we got by and had a blast mostly in the river.
Anyhow. the last hour of our camping trip I bought some more sunscreen so we wouldn't get toastied up. I ended up buying Brandon, the youngest kid, some swimming trunks cuz his just weren't doing what swim trunks are supposed to do. We lotioned up, hit the rope swings for an hour...jumped in the car and came back to san antonio. Kids crashed out in the car. Fun.
So we got back and I was going to buy them some lunch from a local unhealthy fast food restaurant. as i walked to the store front, i reached for my wallet.....AND LO AND BEHOLD. no wallet.
Damn.
No lunch. I dropped the kids off at home with no lunch.
Now no one ever expects that losing a wallet will be a smooth experience. I certainly didn't so I did everything i possibly could to find my wallet. Called the Park store, called the park front desk. Drove 2 hours back to Garner state park and did some of my own searching with my own eyes. I don't work anymore so i had the time to do this. bought some goggles and jumped in the fairly stagnant waters and searched the 2-6 foot of waters for the next 2-3 hours. i didn't find my wallet, but sure had fun. =)
anyhow. To keep this post short, what ended up happening is just what you'd expect. I had to cancel credit cards and had to get a new license....SOUNDS LIKE DRAMA TO ME...
but it went so smooth. soo fantastical. I almost would recommend losing your wallet just so you know that it's not that big of a deal. Well, unless someone starts using ur junk and stealing your money. That'd be smelly.
all of the whole thing was resolved in a matter of a few hours. The DMV line in Universal City off Pat Booker took no more than 15 minutes once the doors opened at 8. I was like 20th in line or something.
Anyhow.
When this first happened I started thinking that God was showing me that i'm not supposed to go or something like that.I thought he was going to make it apparent that i was running away and that he'd make my attempt miserable. Then i started thinking that all this other bad junk would happen to me too.
but it didn't. and i'm fine. and i'm planning on leaving Sunday about noon to visit Kat and Derek in Houston.

God's involvement in my life wasn't too evident when i sought him whole heartedly. I haven't seen much change nor do i expect much change in my lack of pursuit of him.
Adios!

countdown. 2 days....

2 days til who knows what. Uncertainty is the only certain thing about my trip. It sort of feels like a hitchhike adventure where you know you have some sort of destination that you are heading to, but you aren't really too sure if you are going to actually make it. Your outcome no longer depends on you alone. The outcome will be a combined effort of your desire, and nice people to help you along the way.
So not many people know what's going on with me. I'm not too sure  myself. I just know that starting in March of 2009, my thinking took a turn. More of this information will come out in following blogs..if i can actually keep up with this blog thing.
My faith was rocked. By me. By my thinking. No crazy incidents. No deaths. No life shattering experiences. Just confusion. I wasn't lacking anything except the peace and joy I was publishing and proclaiming. This caused me to cease in all my faithful activities. I took time to step back and look at what I believe and what I was doing from a third person perspective. In this time I had the freedom to explore my doubts. I had the freedom to explore what made sense to me rather than being given what to believe. sooo freeing. In the past 1 year and 5 mos, I have gotten to the point where I can no longer call myself Christian. Who knows what will happen in the next few months.
I have some money saved up, not a whole lot, but I'm taking what fundage I have and I'm headed out to see things I've never seen, to read, to think, to explore. I guess it's your typical soul-search type of scenario where Adam needs to figure out who he is. What he stands for. What he believes. You know....the basics that all humans need to live a fulfilling life with some sort of sense of direction.

Wait a minute.. This is getting too long. I wouldn't even read this blog myself. =)
check in later for more action adventures of the Adamo.